Dougie's Diary

Part 1--July, 2004

A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli

Day 1

• 12:05 am Order room service- charge it to Nomar 's room - tried to spell out garciaparra- finally just screamed charge it Nomar's room and make it quick.
• 12:20 Order third porn movie of the day
• 12:40 Filet Mignon with a side of chicken parm arrives
• 12:46 meal finished- calls back to room service- orders 2 piece of cheesecake charges it to Terry Francona's room
• 12:55 dessert arrives
• 12:57 dessert demolished- dougie strips down and take his pre bedtime swings naked in front of the mirror
• 1:30 can't sleep calls nomar's room and says in a spanish voice" this is omar minaya you have been traded to the Montreal expos- nomar cries- dougie calls him a @#%$ and tells him to go ice his pinky toe
• 1:45 calls derek lowe's room and tells him he has been traded to the pawtucket red sox
• 2:00 am can't sleep - goes skinny dipping in the hotel pool
• 2:02 am tells hotel security to beat it or Dougie's openin' up a can
• 3:00 am finally falls a sleep after killing it for the third time today and another piece of cheesecake
• 9:55 wakes up- kills it- then takes a shower and shaves- leave one stripe down his chin-tells himself he is a stud who hits bombs
• 10:15 takes 30 hard cuts naked
• 10:20 gets dressed- tight jeans- cowboy boots and tanktop heads off to park
• 10:22 leaves note at front desk- please tell derek lowe and nomar to call john henry asap- leaves them a 900 number to call
• 11:00 arrives at ballpark- give dead leg to Schilling and tells him to shut the @#%$ up for once
• 11:15 tells nomar he heard he is being traded to the expos for 3 pieces of @#%$ and some toilet paper
• 11:17 ask nomar if his @#%$ is still sore
• 11:18 steps on nomar's heel- tells him to quit being a @#%$
• 11:30 chest bumps wakefield
• 11:45 pulls shilling aside with a flying tackle and screams in his face- if you weren't such a loud mouth i would be catching Randy every 5th day instead of chasing knuckleballs to the backstop. tells he got rocked in new york and stop pitching like suck a @#%$- rips Schilling wallet from his backpocket and and takes his cash
• 12:00 tells derek lowe- what the @#%$ are you doing here- i thought we already traded your @#%$ weak ass sinker ball headcase @#%$ carcass-gives lowe a wedgie and farts in his face
• 12:15 screams out loud- "we trade nomar yet?"
• 12:45 orders chicken parm
• 1:25 finishes eating- heads out to bp
• 1:30 gets put in nomar bp group
• 1:42 throws nomar out of the cage
• 1:50 hits 13 of 20 pitches 400 feet foul- misses other 7
• 1:52 nomar gets back in cage- calls him and his wife gay- throws baseballs * at nomar heels- hope he trips and hurts himself
• 1:55 reminds nomar that the sox dropped ther offer from 15 to 12 million-tells nomar they are having a party tonight when they trade him
• 2:15 takes 45 minutes nap- gets ready for deadline-dreams he hit game 7 dinger onto the mass pike- wakes up sees nomar and is pissed
• 3:15 announce to clubhouse- "nomar or @#%$ down lowe get traded yet ?"
• 3:45 bad mood takes over as it is the trading deadline and he sees nomar has not been traded
• 3:58 clubhouse closed to reporter- theo walks in- announes see ya @#%$-does a sack dance in nomar face
• 4:02 team notified of nomar's deal- leads chants in nanananana hey hey hey goodbye
• 4:10 bullshit do lowe not traded- tells him he is getting racked tonight- stuffs him in his locker
• 4:15 high fives luccino and bear hugs theo- theo stunned
• 4:30 tells francona they should have trade Francona and schilling to Wilkes Barre-
• 4:33 francona runs away- dougie catches him and give him an atoimic wedgie- tells him to @#%$ bunt the runner along every now and then; francona runs and hides behind schilling.
• 4:45 makes plan for post game celebration nomar traded party at local nightspot
• 4:50 grabs schilling's wallet and takes out cash to pay for party
• 5:05 announces today is a good day-

Day 2

• 9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
• 9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands - farts 5 more times
• 9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
• 9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon poo-poo platter for 3 he picked up last night
• 9:15 grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
• 9:17 takes a dump
• 9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
• 9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
• 9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror - screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight"
• 9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
• 9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow
• 9:57 pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off- gives the finger to all three people
• 10:15 pulls into Fenway park - tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
• 10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family's life if there is one scratch on his truck
• 10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month - asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni
• 10:27 takes a shit - leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
• 10:30 gives Nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
• 10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
• 10:37 goes through a 10-minute handshake with his boy Tim Wakefield
• 10:45 takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting .250, no music
• 10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game?"
• 10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
• 10:55 tells Trot that if Dougie played 162 games, his numbers would look like this: .375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S
• 11:17 writes back response to to fan's letter: "Hey Pussy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for pussies, like your boyfriend Nomar "
• 11:30 walks out to batting pratice with a tanktop on
• 11:45 after no stretching, steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
• 11:47 takes 25 cuts - hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
• 11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
• 11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie - calls him a pickle smoker
• 12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives
• 12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker
• 12:15 Tito posts lineup - Dougie sees he is not the DH - calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling
• 12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight"
• 12:45 takes a shit - uses Nomar's $350 silk shirt to wipe his ass
• 1:05 game starts - Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
• 1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar
• 1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in - Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton by 7 tonight
• 1:55 Dougie's 4 Fenway Franks arrive - pays with Nomar's credit card
• 2:15 finishes shopping with Nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
• 2:30 dozes off
• 3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells the whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield
• 3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
• 4:30 Sox lose game - Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him - Francona runs away
• 5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies
• 5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt
• 5:33 Dougie hits 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair - 11 foul - all pulled - he misses 15 pitches
• 6:00 Dougie sees name in lineup - calls Francona a pussy for batting him 9th - Francona hides behind Schilling
• 6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
• 6:25 announces that "Dougie is going deep tonight"
• 6:30 dinner arrives - 2 steaks from the Capital Grille - Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker - makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
• 6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic weedgie
• 7:00 tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt
• 7:10 scoreless first - Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
• 7:25 while waiting in on-deck circle, tells fans "Dougie is going deep tonight"
• 7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep
• 7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall - coasts into second - almost gets thrown out
• 7:31 tells pitcher his fastball sucks - tells shortstop and second baseman that he "didn't get all of it"
• 8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third - third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
• 8:16 fans boo Dougie
• 8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kid's hot dog
• 8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay - he did not want to run the bases anymore
• 9:10 Dougie strikes out on an inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher, catcher and ump pussies
• 9:30 9th inning - Dougie is exhausted - walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat - Dougie wants to get home
• 9:50 Dougie showers - and walks around the clubhouse naked - tells the Globe's Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him
• 9:55 Dougie shaves - and leaves a goatee
• 10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike - calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
• 10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans - gives the finger to everyone near
• 10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1
• 10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his poo-poo platter for 3
• 12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn - goes for a dip in his above-ground pool
• 12:10 leaves dirty undies on his neighbor's windshield
• 12:15 walks into house naked and screams "who saw the bomb I hit tonite???"
• 12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
• 12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
• 12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
• 1:15 Dougie passes out on couch

May 1, 2006 -- traded back to Boston

May 1, 2006

7:02 am PDT: Awoken at home by phone call from Kevin Towers. Learns he's traded to Boston. Calls Towers a pickle smoker and tells him San Diego is for pussies anyway.

7:05: Takes 40 naked cuts in front of a mirror.

7:07: Packs a duffel bag with 10 tank tops, 5 pairs of tight jeans, and no underwear. Announces "Dougie's going commando" to no one in particular.

7:08: Kills it.

7:09: Kills it again.

7:10: Calls Wake, tells him "Dougie's going deep tonight!" Wake says it's getting dusty in here. Dougie calls him a pantywaist.

7:15: Takes cologne shower. Uses Stetson.

7:21: Drives to the airport. Uses the shoulder to bypass traffic. Flips the bird to drivers who make faces. Screams "Stay nancy, San Diego!" when someone honks at him.

7:38: Parks Escalade in front of terminal. Flips keys to airport police officer.

7:40: Passes through airport security. Refuses to remove 4" belt buckle for metal detector. Offers to show TSA his security wand.

7:42: Gets three orders of chicken parm at Sbarro.

7:43: Finishes chicken parm. Belches.

7:44: Calls Nomar's house. Asks for Mr. Hamm and hangs up.

7:55: Boards First Class to Logan. Orders five Sambucas and a meatball sub.

8:10: Plane takes off.

8:11: Dougie dials Tito on cell phone. Screams "Dougie's going deep tonight!" Tito shrieks, puts on a fourth layer of clothing.

8:12: Flight attendant asks Dougie to turn off cell phone. Dougie asks flight attendant to turn off her high beams.

8:19: Pilot turns off Fasten Seatbelts sign.

8:19:05: Dougie enters bathroom. Kills it.

11:24 am EDT: Reads back issue of Bushwackers magazine.

11:49: Opens portable DVD player, watches Nina Hartley video. Orders three Sambucas and veal parm.

12:30: Uses cell phone to order $1,295 worth of items from in-flight catalog. When flight attendant protests, asks if she'd like to sit on his Brookstone.

12:34: Receives visit from co-pilot, who demonstrates the Airfone. Dougie calls Curt Schilling on Airfone, asks if he has Prince Albert in a can. Hangs up.

12:35: Co-pilot returns to cockpit.

12:35:15: Dougie calls over flight attendant. Asks if co-pilot is a pickle smoker.

12:43: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone, asks if Lowe is hung over. Tells Lowe he shaved Trinka's pubes into the shape of a D, asks Lowe if he's ever been with a woman having revenge sex.

12:45: Calls Hazel Mae, tells her to wear something low-cut tonight. Mae faints.

1:01: Finds Brian Giles' Amex in his wallet, calls NESN switchboard on Airfone using Giles' Amex. Asks if Tina Cervasio is a stracciamanici.

1:15: Orders Pellegrino. Flight attendant brings Perrier. Dougie pisses in cup, asks if flight attendant would like some Perrier.

1:20: Calls David Wells on Airfone using Geoff Blum's Visa. Tells Wells to get his fat fucking ass in shape or he'll get a towel party.

1:34: Calls Remy on Airfone using Dewon Brazelton's MasterCard. Tells Remy to pick out some nice Game On! girls for a postgame party tonight.

1:36: Calls the flight attendant over, asks what's the biggest sopressata she's ever eaten.

2:03: Flight lands at O'Hare. Dougie commandeers cart for transporting disabled, drives through concourse at 25 mph. Stops at Sbarro, picks up 2 orders of chicken parm for second flight; stops at Borders, picks up Penthouse Letters.

2:12: Arrives at gate for Logan flight. Asks gate agent if she's ever heard of Josh Bard or Cla Meredith. Asks if she's ever heard of the Motherfucking 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox. Dougie smiles.

2:14: Boards into first class

2:15: Calls Ozzie Guillen on Airfone using Scott Linebrink's Diner's Club card. Thanks Ozzie for keeping AL championship seat warm, but Dougie can take it from here. Ozzie breaks into stream of Spanish curses. Dougie says, "Whatever, puta" and hangs up.

2:17: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone using Josh Barfield's Carte Blanche card. Asks if Derek ever got a rusty trombone from Trinka. Hangs up.

2:31: After spending 10 minutes trying to get Airfone to work with Rob Bowen's SpeedPass, gives up and uses his cell to call Roger Clemens. Asks if he's wearing Ninja Turtle shoelaces like a little bitch. When the flight attendant protests, Dougie screams for eggplant parm and two Sambucas.

2:32: Debbie Clemens picks up the other line. Dougie offers her a Dirty Hitler mustache.

2:35: Dougie's starting tonight, so time for some BP. Goes to galley, removes clothes except for cowboy hat, and takes 50 naked cuts. Makes eye contact with flight attendant. Screams, "DOUGIE'S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!" He does not have an erection.

2:45: Calls Chien-Ming Wang on Airfone using Chan Ho Park's JCB card. Tells him the bombs we dropped on his country are nothing compared to the bombs Dougie's going to drop on Wang tonight. Says "Wang" a few more times, laughs. Hangs up.

3:27: Dougie wakes up from a nap and lets fly with a 10-second parm fart. He gets Penthouse Letters from his carry-on and heads to the lavatory, grabbing a Sambuca from the beverage cart on the way. Dougie hates courtesy flushes.

3:29: Dougie wonders where the fuck this small midwestern college is anyway.

3:30: Kills it.

3:38: Opens the lav door and demands high-quality toilet paper. Screams, "DOUGIE CAN'T CATCH WITH A HEMORRHOID!"

3:41: Lights a match.

3:42: Fire alarm goes off. Dougie is nonplussed.

3:43: Alarm disabled. Pilot leaves cockpit, asks, "Who the hell do you think you are?" Dougie nonchantly replies, "I'm a stud who hits bombs."

3:58: Uses cell phone to call Tito and confirm he's hitting cleanup. Tito shrieks, puts on fifth layer of clothing.

4:15: Plane lands.

4:16: Dougie getting impatient. Sees pic of Natalie Gulbis in the in-flight magazine. Kills it to waste time.

4:23: Gate is being swung too slowly. Screams, "DOUGIE'S GOTTA GET TO THE PARK!" Opens exit door, deploys inflatable slide. Three Boston PD cruisers are waiting to escort Dougie to the ballpark.

4:29: Takes call from Tom Menino. Calls him "Mayor Giuliani." Announces that he will hit a bomb for his paisan.

4:30: The motorcade stops at Papa Gino's. Dougie orders two meatball parm sandwiches. He leaves a $100 bill.

4:48: Dougie arrives at the ballpark. He puts Theo in a headlock and gives John Henry a noogie.

4:51: Walks into clubhouse. Announces, "TWO BOMBS TONIGHT!" Terry Francona gasps, locks office door.

4:54: Changes for BP. Does not wear a cup. You don't need a cup with balls of steel.