True Yankee
From SoSH
"It is a well known fact that the Yankees eat babies, rape young unwed mothers and are the number one cause of the decay of Western civilization." - Urban Dictionary.
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Origin
The origin of the term True Yankee comes from when Joe DiMaggio played with the Yankees. Joe would walk into the locker room and declare that only he, Gehrig, and Ruth were "True Yankees". After this, he would take the coffee grinds from his percolator (this was before the days of Mr. Coffee) and throw them into all the lockers, except his and Gehrig's, thus showing the rest of the team their inferiority to his True Yankeedom. Joltin' Joe would also throw a fresh pot in the face of anyone who struck out more than once.
One day after his proclamation, Gehrig, who had no desire to be drawn into Joe's egomania, asked DiMaggio to stop mentioning his name before screwing with everyone else's locker. This infuriated DiMaggio, who couldn't believe another True Yankee wouldn't condone hazing the fake Yankees. DiMaggio, who was a master biotechnician (little known fact), created an incurable disease and gave it to Gehrig to "show that pussy." From that day on, DiMaggio was the sole arbiter of who was a True Yankee until the twilight of his career. Joe even sent Mickey Mantle back down to the minors in 1951 for being "a goddamn pussy, just like that goddamn Gehrig." However, by the end of his career, DiMaggio stopped throwing grinds into everyone's locker. Instead he delegated Billy Martin to take over. Martin, who was the only one willing to screw with his own locker, started to pee in everyone's locker. This scared Joltin' Joe a bit and gave him an ulcer, yet still pleased the old bastard.
The Billy Martin Fiasco
After DiMaggio retired, Billy Martin continued to piss in everyone's locker. One day Mantle pulled him aside and explained to Billy that Martin no longer had to piss in everyone's locker. Martin was shocked that he even "had" to do it in the first place, as he just peed in the lockers so DiMaggio would give him another bottle of Jim Beam. Martin agreed to stop peeing in everyone's locker only if Mantle agreed to go out drinking with him. Mantle decided it was in everyone's best interest to have a drink with Martin but then became an alcoholic only three days later as a result of hanging out with Billy Martin. The Yankee management worried that Mantle would die in three to four years if he kept hanging out with Martin. They decided the best course of action was to keep them separated at all times.
Billy was told by the team management he could not come to clubhouse meetings because he was not a "True Yankee," ironically using the term that caused Mantle to first start drinking with Martin. Instead when the team would meet, Billy would sit outside and drink beer while screaming, "Screw you guys. I am going to F*cking be manager someday, you watch. Then I am going to tell everyone what the f*ck I think about them. You hear me!" Despite Martin saying this exclusion didn't bother him, Martin would often be drunk and furious before games. This would lead to many of Martin's on field fights. Eventually it was discovered that Mantle was sneaking out of his hotel room to hang out with Martin. For the sake of Mickey's golden liver, Martin was promptly traded and faded into obscurity for a time...
Media uses True Yankee
After DiMaggio's retirement, the media in New York really hated Mantle. He was overachiever who instead of copping out of military service by becoming a glorified gym instructor like a True Yankee would do, Mantle instead had a preexisting problem that legitimately kept him out of the Army. The media would often cite how the Yankees would actually lose some games when Mantle was on the team. This was completely unacceptable even before George Steinbrenner took over.
Everything changed however when Roger Maris was traded to the Yankees. This man had the nerve to come to New York and win the MVP title only to lead the Yankees to a World Series loss. This very un-Jeterian act caused New York Media to realize how good Mantle really was (not DiMaggio, the greatest living hitter good, but still good) and despise Maris. The next year Maris had the nerve to try to break Babe Ruth's homerun record. Mantle, the newly anointed True Yankee, was also in the chase. The New York media decided enough was enough and, for the first time in print, the term True Yankee was used to out that traitor Roger Maris. Roger Maris ended up breaking Ruth's HR record and winning another MVP while leading the team to a World Series victory while Mantle, like a True Yankee, sat in bed and listened to the World Series with an injury. The New York Press never forgave Maris for not being a True Yankee and chased the multiyear MVP out of town to preserve the rich dynasty of the Yankees.
List of the Damned (Not True Yankees)
- Billy Martin - killed Mantle's liver
- Roger Clemens - was there but betrayed the Yankees for the Houston Astros
- Don Mattingly - Close Call but Yankee Captain only went to one postseason as a Wild Card... weak
- Randy Johnson - Started pitching his age and attacked press member. Very unJeterian.
- Alex Rodriguez - The very antithesis of Jeterian, and one embarrassment away from being named Mr. April.
- Roger Maris - Made Babe Ruth just a little less important aka the highest crime in Yankeeland.
- Dave Winfield - Got Steinbrenner pissed off, earning the name of Mr. May.
- Flowers - Not really a player but they pissed Steinbrenner off enough to break his solemn promise to stay away from the baseball team
- Hideki Irabu - fat toad
- Gene Michael - Had to be replaced by fired manager Bob Lemon (took two years)
- Bob Lemon - Had to be replaced by fired manager Gene Michael (took 14 games)
- Alan Embree - Didn't overperform like the rest of the crappy pitchers picked up by the Yankees in 2005
- Aaron Boone - Played basketball and hurt himself, Jeter would have made the lay up.
- Andy Pettitte - Left for more money - Jeter would have taken a hometown discount if he were on the market.
- God - While it was shown to us that he was a Yankee fan in the slapstick star vehicle "Bruce Almighty", he was later traded to the Boston Red Sox for tickets to a Madonna concert and has since declared an eternal curse on the Yankees for the trade. He currently resides in Lowell, Mass.
- Bud Selig - is only a minion of the Yankees. Reinstated His Boss back into baseball.
- Alfonso Soriano - had to be traded for ARod... Traitor.
- Jason Giambi - found it was easier to get his "meds" in NYC than in Oakland
- Darryl Strawberry - Perennial scumbag, with Spankees in Twilight of career.
