2017 Gronk: Mojo Gronk

[Icculus]

Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
TS: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom, and that would kill him.
 
Pretty much just substitute Gronk in for Superman. It works.

 

[soxfan121]

Hey, SOMETHING, has managed it thus far. 

 
Show your work. 

 

[StupendousMan]

It's only fair to give Larry Niven credit for "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex."
 
    http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html

 

[Icculus]

It's only fair to give Larry Niven credit for "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex."
 
    http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html

 
I only knew about the Mallrats rant. But I'm not surprised Kevin Smith didn't come up with it.

 

[DegenerateSoxFan]

Show your work. 

O.K., here's my empirical analysis...

1) We can reasonably assume that Gronk has banged a boatload of chicks over the last few years. A statistically significant sample size, if you will.

2) No knock-ups that we know of.

Therefore, we can extrapolate from the above that SOMETHING has prevented any impregnations. Now, it could be sheer luck or a low sperm count (For Gronk. Yeah, right.). But the most likely explanation is that he's as dilligent about wrapping it up as he is about putting in reps in the weight room.

Whatever it is, comedy's sake demands Gronk Brand condoms - and some commercials that involve interspersed slo-mo clips of Gronk throwing monster blocks, spiking the ball and piling into his party bus with a bevy of blonde floozies.

 

[Import78]

Whatever it is, comedy's sake demands Gronk Brand condoms - and some commercials that involve interspersed slo-mo clips of Gronk throwing monster blocks, spiking the ball and piling into his party bus with a bevy of blonde floozies.

 
Just before he gets on the bus he looks back at the camera and, with a wink and a grin, says "Gronk Brand Condoms, the only defense that can stop me, every time".

 

[Marciano490]

https://www.sexualhealth.com/do-steroids-affect-sperm-count_question_23/

 

[FL4WL3SS]

Are you insinuating that Gronk does steroids?
 
I don't think he does, he doesn't have a steroid body. He's a tall guy and has some muscle, but he's not out of proportion for his height.
 

 

[Time to Mo Vaughn]

I think 98% of NFLers are on steroids and/or HGH including Gronk.
 
But to think that looking at someone's body is evidence of whether steroids are used is ridiculously stupid. I give you the body of a confirmed steroid user:
 

                   

 

[Adrian's Dome]

Juice isn't necessarily about muscles, it's also recovery. The beating your average NFL player takes is immense.

 

[FL4WL3SS]

But you realize gronk lifts weights right? If he was on steroids he'd be a lot bigger. Trust me.

 

[Devizier]

Steroids =/= testosterone.

for all practical purposes, steroids in the colloquial sense is testosterone and related analogs.

There are many steroids, of course, but people aren't talking about aldosterone.

 

[GeorgeCostanza]

Taking out my pompoms for a minute, this is the gronk appreciation thread, not the gronk defamation thread. Carry on.

 

[kolbitr]

Yeah...I'm pretty sure Marciano just wanted to make a sperm joke...please let's not ruin good things, comrades!

 

[Jim Ed Rice in HOF]

Maybe Gronk lost his sperm producing testicle. /Marciano
 
Keeping this on theme, here he is dancing on Kelly and Michael.
http://youtu.be/q48vgXJ-li0

 

[Marciano490]

Yeah...I'm pretty sure Marciano just wanted to make a sperm joke...please let's not ruin good things, comrades!

That's all I ever want to do. And, no looking at someone's body isn't a good way to tell how strong they are. Fedor was chubby and I can list a couple dozed people under 150 pounds who can squat or deadlift 800+.

 

[CantKeepmedown]

Guys, guys, maybe the only reason we appreciate Gronk is because he's white.  Because that's what Dan LeBatard is wondering.  
 
http://thebiglead.com/2015/02/06/dan-le-batard-wonders-if-rob-gronkowski-would-be-universally-beloved-if-he-were-black/
 

“Give me a comparable resume.  Photos with porn stars. Kind of a dope. Dances after a Super Bowl loss shirtless in the nightclub. Admits to not reading a book. Throws a safety into a television camera during a game. Completely unstoppable on-field menace. Who’s the black guy that gets to be the things in that realm and gets to be embraced the way Gronk is?”

 

[TomRicardo]

Lawrence Taylor?
 
I mean people still love him in New York

 

[Leather]

Refrigerator fucking Perry was a household name for being fat and dancing in a stupid, cocky, video.

 

[TSC]

If we're going outside of football - 
 
David Ortiz?

 

[GeorgeCostanza]

Throw in some crack, assaults, jail time, and Gronk is the white, offense version of LT. I can get behind that.

Stupid point by LeBatard, obviously. There is no black analog for Gronk because there is no human analog to what he does on the football field. Simple as that if you ask me.

 

[Leather]

Ocho Cinco?

 

[CantKeepmedown]

Different sport, but Charles Barkley?

 

[Ferm Sheller]

Hollywood Henderson?

 

[loshjott]

Guys, guys, maybe the only reason we appreciate Gronk is because he's white.  Because that's what Dan LeBatard is wondering.  
 
http://thebiglead.com/2015/02/06/dan-le-batard-wonders-if-rob-gronkowski-would-be-universally-beloved-if-he-were-black/
 

 
I heard that discussion on his radio show and he answered his own question with Shaq.

 

[Norm loves Vera]

Prime Time had his time as the Golden Child
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEEPVGtwsO8

 

[simplyeric]

 
I heard that discussion on his radio show and he answered his own question with Shaq.

 
I was just about to say Shaq when I read Barkley upthread.
 
I dont think Ocho Cinco works because he was a big-time self-promoter, bragging about how awesome he was.  Gronk (from what I can recall reading and seeing) isn't so much about saying "I'm awesome" as just being awesome.  
"Yo soy fiesta.." and the like.

 

[simplyeric]

oh, and, while different in specifics:
 
what about OJ Simpson.  I mean, he was loved until he started killing people...um, I mean, untill he started getting framed for murder.
 
I mean, he was in the Naked Gun movies and all that.
 
(not nearly as dopey as Gronk, obviously)

 

[Marciano490]

oh, and, while different in specifics:
 
what about OJ Simpson.  I mean, he was loved until he started killing people...um, I mean, untill he started getting framed for murder.
 
I mean, he was in the Naked Gun movies and all that.
 
(not nearly as dopey as Gronk, obviously)

 
I wasn't around during his playing days, but I don't remember hearing OJ ever had a reputation for the kinds of things LeBatard is dinging Gronk here for (porn stars, partying, not reading, etc.).

 

[gryoung]

I know this is way off topic - but OJ was something else to watch.  If you were lucky enough to see him at USC or Buffalo.  Unstoppable.  World-class sprinters speed .... size .... and those "swivel hips" that, IMHO, only Sanders/Sayers and OJ had.  I know --- "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"  
 
Sorry - now back to the regularly-scheduled program ........

 

[simplyeric]

 
I wasn't around during his playing days, but I don't remember hearing OJ ever had a reputation for the kinds of things LeBatard is dinging Gronk here for (porn stars, partying, not reading, etc.).

 
True...that makes sense.

 

[SumnerH]

I was just about to say Shaq when I read Barkley upthread.
 
I dont think Ocho Cinco works because he was a big-time self-promoter, bragging about how awesome he was.  Gronk (from what I can recall reading and seeing) isn't so much about saying "I'm awesome" as just being awesome.  
"Yo soy fiesta.." and the like.

Shaq was even more of a self-promoter than Ocho there, giving himself nicknames, playing up the Superman persona, and going out of his way to consciously be in the media eye all the time. If we're talking modern comps, Shaq's much more Richard Sherman than Gronk.

LT's a better comp. Maybe Clinton Portis, too.

 

[Marciano490]

Shaq was even more of a self-promoter than Ocho there, giving himself nicknames, playing up the Superman persona, and going out of his way to consciously be in the media eye all the time. If we're talking modern comps, Shaq's much more Richard Sherman than Gronk.

LT's a better comp. Maybe Clinton Portis, too.

 
But Shaq was 10 times the player Ocho was, too.  This stuff obviously gets forgotten when you have the ability.  T.O. definitely belongs on this list, too.  And while it may not be as egregious as partying and hanging out with porn stars, Kobe got a lot of love following the rape accusations.  It's not a black/white thing.  It's a good/bad thing.

 

[SumnerH]

But Shaq was 10 times the player Ocho was, too.  This stuff obviously gets forgotten when you have the ability.  T.O. definitely belongs on this list, too.  And while it may not be as egregious as partying and hanging out with porn stars, Kobe got a lot of love following the rape accusations.  It's not a black/white thing.  It's a good/bad thing.

Right, but Sherman's good too but perceived very differently. I think the question was whether white athletes are uniquely branded as quirky/doofus/fun-loving idiots (Bill Lee, Gronk, Brian Wilson) while African-American players are branded as trash-talking/loudmouths (Sherman, Shaq, TO, Moss, Ochocinco, Sapp, Primetime, etc), or is that cherry-picking?

Clearly there are some white athletes who fall into the trash-talking loudmouth category (in fact McEnroe might be the canonical example of the stereotype), the next question is can we find examples where the media has bequeathed the "lovable doofus party animal" stereotype on minorities (which we've seen with Gronk and arguably Papelbon).

Portis seemed to have that persona here in DC: ladies check your clothes at the door, always out partying, crazy suits--but it wasn't until his later years that he seemed to be consciously cultivating that as a media image rather than just out there living.


(There's also a question of whether it's inherently a short lived and sad stereotype, as the young Jim Belushi turns into the older Jim Belushi at an alarming rate. Was Dock Ellis viewed this way in his youth?)

 

[kieckeredinthehead]

I suspect the media is also prevented at some level from portraying black athletes as fun-loving idiots. "When was the last time you read a book?" is kind of an awkward question...

 

[Reverend]

But you realize gronk lifts weights right? If he was on steroids he'd be a lot bigger. Trust me.

 
This is sorta... dumb. I'm not saying you're dumb, but this is a dumb thing to say, and no, I don't trust you.
 
Steroids are not a homogeneous category of substances and there is a variety of ways they can be used to benefit an athlete that do not result in identical outcomes, even within the category of steroids banned by use in the NFL--many of which I believe can be used safely to increase health and life but are illegal because Americans are driven barking mad about the idea of cheating in professional sports.
 
I'm not sure why you'd make a statement that is so categorically false, unless you're kidding around or something. Is this a reference to something someone else said about steroids and I simply don't get it?

 

[Marciano490]

 
This is sorta... dumb. I'm not saying you're dumb, but this is a dumb thing to say, and no, I don't trust you.
 
Steroids are not a homogeneous category of substances and there is a variety of ways they can be used to benefit an athlete that do not result in identical outcomes, even within the category of steroids banned by use in the NFL--many of which I believe can be used safely to increase health and life but are illegal because Americans are driven barking mad about the idea of cheating in professional sports.
 
I'm not sure why you'd make a statement that is so categorically false, unless you're kidding around or something. Is this a reference to something someone else said about steroids and I simply don't get it?

Rev - get out of my racket, don't make me start answering theological and philosophical questions.

To Sumner's point, I think shaq was taken more as a goof and there are plenty of black athletes thought of as partiers in a benign way like Gronk.

 

[FL4WL3SS]

This is sorta... dumb. I'm not saying you're dumb, but this is a dumb thing to say, and no, I don't trust you.
 
Steroids are not a homogeneous category of substances and there is a variety of ways they can be used to benefit an athlete that do not result in identical outcomes, even within the category of steroids banned by use in the NFL--many of which I believe can be used safely to increase health and life but are illegal because Americans are driven barking mad about the idea of cheating in professional sports.
 
I'm not sure why you'd make a statement that is so categorically false, unless you're kidding around or something. Is this a reference to something someone else said about steroids and I simply don't get it?

Yes, it was a joke. I was making fun of myself for saying he doesn't look big. The sarcasm didn't play.

 

[Saints Rest]

Right, but Sherman's good too but perceived very differently. I think the question was whether white athletes are uniquely branded as quirky/doofus/fun-loving idiots (Bill Lee, Gronk, Brian Wilson) while African-American players are branded as trash-talking/loudmouths (Sherman, Shaq, TO, Moss, Ochocinco, Sapp, Primetime, etc), or is that cherry-picking?

Clearly there are some white athletes who fall into the trash-talking loudmouth category (in fact McEnroe might be the canonical example of the stereotype), the next question is can we find examples where the media has bequeathed the "lovable doofus party animal" stereotype on minorities (which we've seen with Gronk and arguably Papelbon).

Portis seemed to have that persona here in DC: ladies check your clothes at the door, always out partying, crazy suits--but it wasn't until his later years that he seemed to be consciously cultivating that as a media image rather than just out there living.


(There's also a question of whether it's inherently a short lived and sad stereotype, as the young Jim Belushi turns into the older Jim Belushi at an alarming rate. Was Dock Ellis viewed this way in his youth?)

I think both Shaq (didn't he do that animated movie at the peak of his popularity) and Deion (Prime-Time) would fall more in the lovable category than the Gangsta category.
 
This seems like a much more interesting discussion that could be broken out into its own discussion about media stereotypes of athletes vis a vis race than shoudl be devoted to the Gronk Appreciation Thread.

 

[Ed Hillel]

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00T3R6LVI?ie=UTF8&redirectFromSS=1&pc_redir=T1&noEncodingTag=1&fp=1

 

[theapportioner]

I suspect the media is also prevented at some level from portraying black athletes as fun-loving idiots. "When was the last time you read a book?" is kind of an awkward question...

 

I think both Shaq (didn't he do that animated movie at the peak of his popularity) and Deion (Prime-Time) would fall more in the lovable category than the Gangsta category.
 
This seems like a much more interesting discussion that could be broken out into its own discussion about media stereotypes of athletes vis a vis race than shoudl be devoted to the Gronk Appreciation Thread.

 
I agree that there are plenty of black athletes that have been portrayed/stereotyped as "fun-loving". Idiots, not so much, at least not explicitly, for optics reasons I suppose.
 
One thing I find interesting is how few black athletes are portrayed as attractive/sex symbols in mainstream culture. Off the top of my head, I can't really think of any. Plenty of white and lighter-skinned latino athletes have been portrayed this way. Tom Brady obviously, Kournikova, Cristiano Ronaldo, numerous others, even Gronk to a certain extent.

 

[Spelunker]

Yeah, Jetes?

 

[theapportioner]

Yeah, Jetes?

 
Well, I guess he and Tiger Woods. But they are kind of the exceptions that prove the rule.

 

[Pxer]

One thing I find interesting is how few black athletes are portrayed as attractive/sex symbols in mainstream culture. Off the top of my head, I can't really think of any. Plenty of white and lighter-skinned latino athletes have been portrayed this way. Tom Brady obviously, Kournikova, Cristiano Ronaldo, numerous others, even Gronk to a certain extent.

You don't talk to many girls, it seems.

 

[theapportioner]

You don't talk to many girls, it seems.

 
Uh, okay. I am talking about media portrayals. Are these girls that you speak of getting their media from elsewhere?

 

[BoneForYourJar]

 
 
I agree that there are plenty of black athletes that have been portrayed/stereotyped as "fun-loving". Idiots, not so much, at least not explicitly, for optics reasons I suppose.
 
One thing I find interesting is how few black athletes are portrayed as attractive/sex symbols in mainstream culture. Off the top of my head, I can't really think of any. Plenty of white and lighter-skinned latino athletes have been portrayed this way. Tom Brady obviously, Kournikova, Cristiano Ronaldo, numerous others, even Gronk to a certain extent.

Maybe there's discomfort around further objectifying and sexualizing members of a race that has historically been the object of so much sexual fantasy and paranoia?

 

[Pxer]

 
Uh, okay. I am talking about media portrayals. Are these girls that you speak of getting their media from elsewhere?

Isn't attractiveness determined by audience response to portrayal, though?

 

[DegenerateSoxFan]

Tha fuck's happening to this thread? C'mon, it's Gronk! He's a HOF talent. Works his ass off AND parties like a rockstar. Loves puppies & kittens. Chicks dig him. Provides endless comedy.

Let's get back on track here.

 

[BannedbyNYYFans.com]

Tha fuck's happening to this thread? C'mon, it's Gronk! He's a HOF talent. Works his ass off AND parties like a rockstar. Loves puppies & kittens. Chicks dig him. Provides endless comedy.

Let's get back on track here.

Thank you.

 

[BoneForYourJar]

Tha fuck's happening to this thread? C'mon, it's Gronk! He's a HOF talent. Works his ass off AND parties like a rockstar. Loves puppies & kittens. Chicks dig him. Provides endless comedy.

Let's get back on track here.

Easy, boss. When you become a Pop Culture Phenomenon, the cultural theorizing begins soon enough, and becomes part of the territory. Just ask Madonna.